My iPod Tells Stories
by Illusive Writings
Summary: A collection of unrelated (or maybe related, I don't know yet) oneshots inspired by songs in my iPod, mostly about Caskett and thier kids. A den of plot bunnies that have to be written down, or I seriously risk writer's block. Chapter 3 is my Christmas fic for this year
1. Downside Up Upside Down

_I have no idea where this came from. No I actually do have an idea, but I have no idea where this is going. It will probably be another collection of unrelated oneshots because sometimes the plot bunny comes out and I need to write that bunny down, one way or another. The fact that most plot bunnies come from songs I love is completely irrelevant._

* * *

 _All the strangers look like family_

 _All the family looks so strange_

 _The only constant I am sure of_

 _Is this accelerating rate of change_

 _Peter Gabriel Ft. Melanie Gabriel - Downside Up (2000)_

 **Downside Up Upside Down**

The cool breeze coming from the ocean gently stirred the water surface, creating creases in the otherwise flat blue slab that extended from there to Europe, uninterrupted. The sun was high in the sky, warming the beach in front of the house to the perfect temperature for a sand castle.

His wife was taking a nap, but he had heard his daughter fumbling around in her room upstairs, maybe he could persuade Lily to join him on the beach. It was still too early to splash around in the ocean. The late March weekend they had decided to take and drive all the way to the Hamptons to enjoy a little bit of family time away from the city delivered temperatures incompatible with messier fun time, but he could go with spending some time with a bucket and a plastic shovel with Lily building whatever fantastic world she wanted.

Careful not to disturb Kate, he walked upstairs to their daughter's room and knocked on the door. "Lily? Can I come in?"

"Yes Dad!" came her enthusiastic voice.

He found her on the bed reading a book. "Listen, it's warm outside and Mom is still asleep, want to join me on the beach and build a sand castle?"

She smiled, closed her book and hopped off the bed. "Sure Dad! Get the bucket, I'll find the shovel."

Ten minutes later they had spread their beach towels on the warm sand and were planning the design of the castle before they started digging for the more compact sand that could sustain itself. They worked hard for a good hour before they were satisfied with the result of their labor, so they took a break and lay on their towels, looking up at the sky.

"Wow Dad, the sky is really blue here."

He moved his neck so he could look at her. "Yes it is. It was one of the things that made me buy the house here and not closer to the town."

"Mom didn't help you choose it?"

He smiled. "No Lily, I hadn't met your mom yet when I bought this house. Alexis helped me though. She wanted a house with a private beach and a patio so she could play outside even with the rain. I wanted a quiet place far away from other people's homes with a private beach. It wasn't tough to choose this place. You like it, don't you?"

"Dad, I love this place. Just as I love the Grampa's cabin and the loft, you know it!"

"Yeah Little Butterfly, I know you love home."

Lily stood up and moved her towel closer to his own, then snuggled into his side with her head on his shoulder. "Why do you call me Little Butterfly? I'm not little anymore, and I'm not a butterfly."

He smiled and kissed the top of her head. "You know, when you were very, very little and still comfortable in Mommy's tummy, sometimes you moved around, stretched and kicked, and Mommy always said it felt like a little butterfly would touch her and tickle. That's why we call you Little Butterfly, sometimes."

"Oh… like with the new babies? When she says they kick but I can't feel it?"

"Exactly like with the new babies. You see, in the next few months they will grow and they will become stronger and you will feel them when they move. You will see them too, you know?"

"Really? Did I move a lot?"

Castle chuckled and pulled his baby girl against his chest. "Oh yes, you loved doing your somersaults and kicking Mommy's liver, or sitting on her bladder so she had to pee every five minutes!"

Lily looked up at him with a confused look printed on her face. "Bladder?"

"It's the organ in your tummy that stores all your pee before you go to the toilet. You know when you really need to pee? That's your bladder when it's full. And you loved sitting on Mommy's bladder."

"Why? Was it comfortable?"

"I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it was just handy, you know… space gets cramped when a baby grows, maybe you had little space to move and you found it comfortable to sit like that, I don't know. Who knows what went through that little brain of yours!"

Lily took a deep breath while she toyed with the hem of his t-shirt. "I wonder too. Mommy seems so tired all the time though, was she so tired when I was in her tummy too?"

Castle smiled. "Yeah, she was, but not for too long. After a while, she got her energy back. She said she felt like someone had changed the batteries."

"You think she'll feel better?"

"I seriously hope so, she gets grumpy when she's tired and can't drink coffee."

Lily chuckled. "Oh yes, sometimes I think she loves coffee more than she loves you!"

At that, they both laughed, loud, and she curled up against his ribs so fast her knees nudged against his liver, hard. It made him cough and the sudden strain on the damaged muscles of the bullet sent a sharp pain shooting through his chest and upper back. "Ough, Lily, calm down a little bit, Daddy's chest hurts a little bit."

His little girl suddenly stilled. "I'm sorry Daddy!" She quickly pushed herself up on her elbows and pressed her lips on his shoulder, above the circular scar of the bullet hole. "There, I kissed it better. Still hurts?"

He shook his head, trying to conceal the still lingering discomfort in order to make her feel better. His Little Butterfly knew that the wound still gave him issues from time to time, and that Kate had problems with her own, and she was very self conscious with the way she moved around her parents, but it hurt seeing her always keeping herself in check, keeping calm, she never behaved like a normal child her age. Even Alexis had always been a quiet child had been more active, running around playing and making up stories. Lily, while being quite rambunctious when she wanted to, was much more reserved. Kate kept telling him that she used to be the same at her age, and Jim had confirmed it multiple times, to try and alleviate his doubts, but still it felt odd for him.

Lily was a quiet one. And according to Kate, quiet ones could be the worst.

She was inquisitive, curious, always asking questions and seeking answers for all her doubts. With time, there was a chance she'd end up like her Mommy, working through high school to buy a motorbike. Not that she would need to, but despite being so young, she already showed the same kind of stubbornness that had made him fall in love with Kate.

Those two were so alike, and Lily looked up at Kate like some sort of god-like being, it made his heart swell each time he caught the two of them snuggling on the couch, watching a movie or simply having a chat about this and that. Their tiny baby girl that had blasted in their lives when they had nearly lost everything, turned everything inside out and changed everything they had considered a staple of their being.

Lily had turned their lives downside up and upside down and from the moment they had learned she was coming, nothing had been the same. Not to mention when the twins would come, four months from now.

Castle was lost in his thoughts, looking up at the gathering gray clouds, when Lily spoke again. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think the babies in Mommy's tummy are girls like me?"

He looked down at her. "I don't know sweetie. The doctor said we can know for sure next week, we'll see then. Why? You want two little sisters?"

She shrugged her little shoulders then turned on her back, her head on his shoulder. "I don't know… Angie said that her little brother has boy cooties and she doesn't want him near her toys. Girls don't have cooties, right?"

Angie was a girl she had befriended at school, a year older and with a younger brother, who was six months old, and the little girl had both parents that worked full time. Even before her brother had come, they had little time and they had to rely on a nanny. The same nanny that was now working with two kids and not only one. As used as she was to receive all the attention from people around them, Angie was now jealous that Mark was in the spotlight.

Smiling, he twirled a lock of her hair through his fingers. "Angie is just a little jealous, Lily. Her little brother absorbed all her parents' energies for a while and they didn't have so much time for her as they used to. And you know what boy cooties are?"

"What, Dad?"

"Kisses, snuggles, cuddles and hugs. And you like them, right?"

She laughed and turned again to hug him. "Yes, I love them."

"Then even if the babies are both boys, I bet you're going to be just fine. The twins will take our time, because they will be very tiny when they will come, and they will need our help to do everything, to eat, get dressed and change their diapers, because they can't do that on their own, not until they will be older. But don't ever think that we love them more than we love you, okay?"

"I can help, right? I know I'm little but I can do stuff. I can help!"

"Of course you can sweetie! You'll be officially in charge of dispensing your girl cooties to them when Mommy is too tired!"

"And with girl cooties mean kisses, snuggles, cuddles and hugs?" she inquired.

"And some education. You know, boys can be gross sometimes, they'll need someone to teach them how to behave and be polite!"

She nodded and looked down at her hands, fisted in the thin material of his shirt. "Will you teach me to read? So I can read to them?"

"Well, of course I will!" He looked at his watch. "Come on, let's make tea and wake Mommy, we can start altogether. Like the idea?"

God, his baby girl was growing up so fast, time seemed to fly so fast he could barely see the change as it happened. One blink there it goes, she had grown an inch, changed her mind about what she wanted to be when she grew up, and now she wanted to learn how to read so she could read stories to his little twin brothers.

And as he watched as she climbed on the bed and snuggled close to Kate to gently wake her with a barrage of kisses, he could only wonder how much their lives will change each day from now on. What would happen tomorrow? Next week, when they had the appointment to determine the sex of the twins? Or in four months, when due time would come. He had no idea, but with them, the journey to discover what life had still in store for them would be the greatest journey of his life.

 _Downside up, upside down_

 _Take my weight off the ground_

 _Falling deep in the sky_

 _Slipping in the unknown_


	2. Misery's Crown

_Warning: if you're going to look for this song, it's melodic death metal. Yes, it's melodic, but it's still death metal. There's some growling vocals and heavy distorted guitars involved. One of my favourite bands of all time, but I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea._

 _Also, this thing was part of a bigger plan I had about three years ago, a four chapters long character study on Beckett through season 1-4 inspired by songs by Dark Tranquillity, this was the second chapter. There was one about the first couple of years after her mother's murder and the way she dealt with her father's alcoholism, this one about Castle messing up with the case at the end of season 1, then there was one about the time she spent at her dad's cabin and one that took place after Kill Shot. I never managed to find the courage to post it in its entirety, so I'm posting the one chapter I really liked (though I changed style in the past few years so it doesn't really feel like it's something I'd write right now but hey, I like it) and here it is._

* * *

 **Misery's Crown**

 _As always in these matters_

 _You broke the deal of deals_

 _And wasted what was given_

 _To revel in your mess_

 _Dark Tranquillity - Misery's Crown (From the album Fiction, 2007)_

* * *

There were many ways she could describe Richard Castle. The harshness or kindness of those descriptions varied from the moments in their history, despite having known each other for only a few months.

She considered him a great novelist, a wordsmith as he liked to describe himself. She loved his books, even though she was still keeping it a secret, not wanting to boost his already enormous ego even more.

He was a good father and a devoted son. She had seen him hang around his teenage daughter and his mother and had seen how much he cared for them, how his world revolved around them and how he would do anything to avoid hurting them or how his first thought when anything related to a crime scene they had visited made him think about his family went to them and what they would do in case something happened for any reasons. In their regards, he was completely selfless, always thinking about them and not about himself.

Somehow, he reminded her about her own father, from time to time. Not that often, but it had happened.

Beneath the egotistical jackass there was a gentleman that had helped her solve a case that had hit her close to home by paying with his own money, not even asking for a refund, for some really expensive tickets to one of the biggest fundraising events of the city. Providing her an amazing dress that fit like a second skin that she would have never even thought about taking into consideration. Way out of her budget. And when she had thought he would try some of his playboy moves on her, he had kept his hands to him and not even once tried to imply anything. At least nothing more than their usual flirtatious bantering she had learned to enjoy so much.

With time she had learned to see him more as an asset than a nuisance, and his crazy theories made her laugh just enough to take her mind off the harsh reality of her job so that she would come back to the real police work made of cold, cruel facts and even more cruel motives that led people to kill someone with renewed fervor and concentration. His trivial ideas, those so impossible and unreasonable, were just figments of his wild imagination, but there were times when his radically different approach had made her see a hidden detail that had actually led to the arrest of the real killer. The Tisdale case was just the first of the list of examples she could pick.

And after a couple of cases she had come to think about him as a friend.

She had treated him bad enough to discourage even the most persistent of the pursuers, and no matter how hard she tried to push him away, he had always treated her with kindness. Sure, there were moments when his sarcastic, flirty attitude had made him insufferable to her, mostly during the first few days, but in the end she had come to terms with it and learned to appreciate him as he was. He was the funny guy everyone wanted to have around, but he was also capable of being serious and concentrated on his task. The way he had helped her with the case of the frozen woman made her trust him enough to tell him about her mother. After all, he had got half the story right like… twelve hours after he had met her, what was the point to keep him in the dark about it when he already had half of it? He had just guessed the wrong dead parent, right?

And there comes the problem.

She shouldn't have trusted him. She should have seen through the thick veil of well crafted lies and flattering he put up every day in front of her, and she should have kept her mouth shut.

It had taken her a year to tell Esposito about her mother and they had been working together since they were both assigned to the 12th, six months to tell Ryan.

Five weeks to tell Castle.

She had been an idiot.

He was basing a character on her, for fuck's sake! He was a mystery writer! Of course he would not keep it for himself, of course he would dive into the case like a piranha would dive onto a piece of meat thrown into its pool of water!

She had asked him – better - begged him to leave it alone, not to dig it up again, she had told him about the rabbit hole that damn case had thrown her into, how hard she had fought to get out of there, how hard it was for her to deal with every consequence her mother's murder had brought onto her life, from her own self-punishment for something she had absolutely nothing to be blamed for to her father's fall into alcoholism.

Yes, she had _saved_ him. As much as he had saved her, in his own way.

But she had also been blind enough to not realize how badly her father had taken it, and who could blame him? The love of his life murdered like an animal and left to die on a pile of trash? That would be enough to throw the toughest person on Earth into a self destructive spiral, one way or another, but she had helped him when there was still enough to do to not let him slip into the trap of alcohol more than he had already done. It had taken years of work, but they had made it out of their rabbit holes.

And that… idiot still had the nerve to come up to her in that fuckin' hospital corridor and confess that no matter how hard she had begged him not to do it, he had taken the bait and had read about her mom's case, probably helped by one of her colleagues – note to self, maim that other idiot too – that apparently didn't care about her enough to keep it from the writer, and tell her that he had found something?

What the hell could he have found?

She knew that file by heart less than a month later she had gotten her hands on parts of it, during her first year in the force.

She had re-learned it in less than a week when she had managed to pilfer it from the archive with Captain Montgomery's approval, when she made detective. And that was the complete file, much thicker than the stripped down copy she had been given when in college.

There was a friggin' murderboard in her own dress closet!

What the hell had he found, uh?

She didn't want to listen to him.

As hurt as she was, it hadn't been hard for her to tell him they were done, that he'd better not show up the next morning at the precinct and that he could go and write his petty books at home, with his fake murders and his fake friendship.

It had taken her all her moral strength not to slap him, or punch him. They were already in an important hospital after all, he would have found some prestigious plastic surgeon to stitch him up no scar would have marred his perfect, ruggedly handsome face.

When she had gone back into Will's bedroom, no matter how heavily medicated he was, he had noticed something was wrong with her and had offered her a shoulder to cry on. She hadn't cried, but hell she had lashed out against him like a wounded bear.

Damn, they had been dating for six months, on the verge of moving in together and he had never, not even once, dared to dig her mother's file out to investigate on it.

And he's an FBI agent.

A very capable one.

Still, Castle had broken the silent deal they had struck when she had confessed about that tragedy that had hurt her more than a bullet through her heart.

She had trusted him enough to share her worst memory with him and he had wasted it, not even regretting it.

He seemed to be proud of his insensitivity, boasting his _founding_ like a child with his brand new, shiny toy.

Oh, he had tried to hide it behind his contrite face, like a puppy that had just broken a vase, but he couldn't hide the fact that he was proud he had found something she hadn't. It was written all over him.

He hadn't really thought about the fact that while he was oh so happy about what he had found she'd been thrown into that void again, that maybe her wounds hadn't really healed and that the years in therapy had just helped her to live with them, that she had learned to deal with the pain and the misery she wore like a crown and that the weight of it hadn't crushed her yet because she had to learn how to prop herself up on something else?

Finding killers was her job and she hadn't been able to catch her own mother's murderer yet, nor she didn't want any more, considering how badly she had tried and failed, multiple times, to see through the scarce evidences left by the perp.

That hurt by itself, to be honest. To let it go for her own mental health hurt.

Still…

She couldn't deny herself that she was curious. After all, she had to admit he wasn't half bad at solving crimes, only needed someone to reign his wild imagination to make him concentrate on facts long enough to come up with a decent, reasonable theory and he was quite a good investigator, she wondered what the hell he could have found in that file that made him come to her.

Because he knew that she didn't want him to investigate on it.

There must have been something serious.

But she couldn't slip again. She was like a recovering alcoholic, not so different from her father: one sip and she'd relapse again. That was the last thing she wanted.

She had learned to live with it, learned to live with the constant misery that it had brought to her, but she had also learned to compartmentalize it. Her therapist had told her she'd need to pay attention to her memories, hold them dear and take them as an example for herself, like a guiding light, and that her personal experiences could actually make her a great cop, but they also were a huge weight she needed to carry around with her, like a traveler with her suitcase in an airport. There were places she could not go yet, because her baggage was too heavy and she couldn't pay the fee for the additional weight. With time, even though the weight wouldn't diminish, her ability to carry it around would improve, making it easier for her to move around and live her life.

She was improving, she had been constantly improving as time passed and now after ten years, she felt safe enough to travel around with her suitcase of memories and experiences and share some of them with very selected people.

Apparently, she had chosen the wrong man to share those memories with.

And he had made a mess, and reveled in that mess he had made.

Now it was up to her to sort it out, to not slip again into her hole.

She needed to talk to someone about it, someone that knew and would understand her. Problem was: who?

Lanie had to work a double shift, Ryan was out with his girlfriend, Espo… well, he'd probably insist to get her drunk and make her forget that way. Then, as the closeted gentleman he was, he'd take her home and put her in bed and let her sleep it off, maybe decide she had been a bit too harsh on Castle and it was maybe worth to check on what he had found. Maybe it was Espo that had given him the file, his big brother protective instinct kicking in when Castle might have asked him if he had access to her mother's file. Esposito had always been like that, extremely protective, like an older brother to her, but sometimes what he thought was better for her didn't coincide with what she knew was better for herself.

Sometimes the way people acted around her once they knew about her mother made her realize there were millions of reasons she should just keep it to herself and never share it again. They started treating her like she was made of precious, frail crystal, so fragile even the lightest touch would break her. Or they would start inquiring, pestering her with the details of her mom's murder. Those were the two reactions she usually saw in people that got to know about it.

Castle had just confirmed that theory.

After nearly two days of having kicked him out of the hospital, the precinct and her life, she had tried her best to understand his point of view, to see why the hell he had to betray her trust like that, but failed. She didn't really understand how he could do something so stupid, something he knew, because she had warned him that they'd be done if he tried to do anything regarding her mother's case, that would make her break their so called _team_ for good, no matter what the mayor would say. He needed to do _research_ , didn't he? He _needed_ to be on the team, to see what the real police did while working on cases and homicides, right?

What good could he get from getting kicked out?

She tried her best to understand and failed.

* * *

 _I gave up all for nothing_

 _I tried my best and failed_

 _There's a thousand million reasons_

 _Never to share again_


	3. Snowed In At Wheeler Street

_Well, Merry Christmas to everyone reading this! Unlike last chapter, this song is way more accessible to anyone. I mean, it's Kate Bush, so I invite you to go look for the song on YouTube and enjoy it in all its splendor. That year, in the span of a couple of months, were released Peter Gabriel's New Blood and Kate Bush's 50 Words For Snow, what a year for music!_

 _Speaking of which, should I make a YouTube or Spotify playlist where I add the songs I use so you can find them easily? It would take me like zero work and I could put a link at the end of each chapter. Just let me know!_

* * *

 **Snowed In At Wheeler Street**

 _There's just something about you  
_ _Have we been in love forever?_

 _Kate Bush ft. Elton John - Snowed In At Wheeler Street (from the album Fifty Words For Snow, 2011)_

She had no idea of what woke her up, only that sometime in the middle of the night, she found herself slowly rousing from her state of deep sleep, becoming aware of her surroundings. The insanely soft fabric of Castle's linens, the soft but firm pillow beneath her cheek, the thick duvet that kept her in a warm cocoon. Behind her, Castle's slack body was wounded around her, his chest pressed tightly to her back and his arm around her waist, as if to keep her even closer than she already was.

It was then that she realized why she had woken up. Between the thick cover and the bipedal furnace behind her, she was too warm. After years of sleeping alone, or with people that weren't exactly cuddlers, she wasn't used to the extra warmth radiating from another person sleeping so close to her. And Rick was a large dispenser of warmth.

Still drowsy, she smiled and gently squeezed his fingers. By reflex, he grasped her hand and held it tightly in his own for a long moment before relaxing once again. His breath came in even puffs of warm air against her neck, slightly tickling her skin. For a moment, she reveled in the feeling of being loved, cherished and somehow worshipped, not to mention the fact that for the first time in years she was now enjoying Christmas again.

From the door, she could see the blinking lights decorating the huge tree that now dominated the living room, surrounded by gifts wrapped in brightly colored paper, but there was something strange in the light, it seemed duller, filtered somehow.

Careful not to wake him, she weaseled her way out of Castle's tight embrace and stood. The stark difference of temperature from beneath the cover made her shiver, so she grabbed his thick, plush robe and wrapped herself in it. The heavy cloth was saturated with his scent, a mix of his aftershave and body wash, an enveloping cloud of citrus and sandalwood that made her often snuggle close to him just to inhale his scent for a while.

Like she was doing in that moment, as she walked through the silent loft towards the kitchen. She wrapped her fingers over the lapels of the robe and pulled them up to her nose and breathed deeply. God, he smelled so good…

In the kitchen, she grabbed a glass and poured herself some water from the tap, and only then she realized why the light seemed duller than the usual.

It was snowing.

And not normally, but a full blown, unannounced storm had hit the city and had now surrounded by the falling crystals. A thick blanket of white frost now covered the streets and the parked cars and the unexpected storm looked like it would blow unrelenting for all night, maybe the next day too.

"Looks like we're going to be snowed in for a while," she murmured to herself as she moved closer to the wide windows. She admired the clusters of snow as they fell from the swollen clouds, a sort of flurry fog that distorted light from the streetlamps down below. She had never been much of a fan of snow, even when she was just a little girl. Maybe because when she went upstate in the cabin with her parents, snow usually meant she would be stuck inside the cabin, as when it snowed up there, it meant being shut in. And when she grew up, snowing meant more inconveniences than anything else.

On the other hand, Castle loved snow. He had made her know that little detail about him. He loved snow, he loved Christmas and anything related and the disappointment she had seen in his eyes just a couple of days before when she had revealed that she didn't share his excitement.

Not anymore at least.

It hadn't always been that way, but after her mother had died, Christmas had lost its meaning. And yet, Castle's childlike enthusiasm was impossible to resist and in the end she had felt the spark of joy brought by the atmosphere around her ignite again. True, she'd have to cover Karpowski whenever she felt like it, but why not? The look of pure joy that had lit his face when he had opened the door, that was more than enough to repay for any possible graveyard shift she'd have to pull through instead of Roselyn.

She finished her drink, rinsed the class then headed back to his bedroom. From the door, she couldn't help but smile when she noticed Castle was awake and rubbing his eyes. "Hey," he murmured when he saw her. "Where you've been?"

"The kitchen, I was thirsty." She shed his robe and climbed back beneath the covers and into his embrace. "It's snowing."

"Oh, great! It's been ages since we've had snow on Christmas!" His voice vibrated through his chest and into her ear, the note of jolly made her chuckle. "Is it snowing hard?"

"It's kind of heavy, yes. It's kind of unexpected though."

"Like your sudden Christmas cheer." He kissed the top of her head and she felt his lips curve into a smile against her hair. "I was wondering… what were you doing last year for Christmas?"

Kate took a deep breath. "I was at the precinct. It was a dull night, luckily. No one killed anyone under our jurisdiction, or at least no murder was reported. I filled all the backlog of reports I had to write, even filled part of Esposito's ones. Texted a lot with you, if I remember correctly."

"And after that?"

She shrugged her shoulders and snuggled closer to him. "Not much. Chatted with other guys on duty, helped with a couple of drunkards in Holding… Oh yes, I went to that coffee shop that's always open and bought coffee and cupcakes for the others. Then I went home and… well, I enjoyed your present."

Castle chuckled. "I knew you'd like it!"

"Oh please Castle you've known I love Kate Bush for a long while! No really… it was good. The lyrics made me think, a lot. There was something… hauntingly beautiful in them."

"Yeah, she does write those kind of lyrics…" he added. His thumb was slowly making circles on her shoulder, the softest touch that was having an hypnotic effect on her. "Took me a while to start appreciating her. When I was younger I thought her music was too pretentious."

"That doesn't surprise me at all. I don't know why but I can't really picture you as a teenager listening to Kate Bush."

"Eh, once upon a time I was kind of an indifferent prick that wanted to rock while listening to Twisted Sisters, took me a while to appreciate something more… tasteful?"

"Oh come on your musical tastes are pretty good as they are, don't beat yourself over it now."

They laughed softly, together, for a while as they watched the snow falling beyond the thick glass of the window.

"Looks like another world," she murmured after a while.

"What?"

"The snow. I don't know why, but I always thought that the world turned into something else, something different, when it snows. New York becomes quiet, almost silent. Few people walking around, even less cars. It doesn't look like the same place, it's… unreal. Even inside places, all the sounds are muffled. It's almost like people try their best not to disrupt the snow. As it's alive, and needs to be preserved like something precious."

She had always had that impression. Despite never having loved snow, it was a phenomenon that had always fascinated her, most of all the effect it had on people. It was true, she had always had the impression that snow turned the world into something else. Everything looked like a silent film, even a noisy city like New York suddenly became mute, almost as if nobody lived there. She used to spend hours at a time, staring out of the window of her bedroom as the falling snow covered streets, cars and anything else like a cold, stark white blanket and she remembered thinking that the city on the other side of the windowpane wasn't New York, but somewhere else. Somewhere where people didn't shout at each other, where they didn't run at the red light, where they didn't hurt one another for petty reasons.

Yes, although she didn't like snow itself, she loved the atmosphere that snow brought, the silent calm that wrapped everything and everyone. It gave her hope there was still good in humanity, while her job gave her a daily dose of skepticism about humanity's ability to do good.

"Maybe it's because of its color," he replied after a long, thoughtful pause. "I mean, it's white, a color we associate with purity, something we are used to perceive as something that needs to be protected, so we do our best not to taint it. We stay inside, we're quieter, maybe even better people somehow."

"You're only wishing that no one kills anyone so I don't have to go back to work tomorrow!"

"It's also a wish that humanity, as botched and grim as it is now, can be good for a day. For one single day! You think I'm asking too much? As a cosmic Christmas present to us? For our first real Christmas? Texting last year wasn't that bad but…"

"Yeah, last year was kind of shitty in that department," she confessed. "I kind of had nightmares about that tiger around the time."

His gentle grip around her shoulder tightened. "Hey, we were both in a shitty situation last year, don't worry about it. We're here now, we're good."

 _Damn yes, we're great._ She thought. They deserved it, after everything they had gone through in the past few years, she felt like they deserved it. And if the world decided, for one day, to forgo the violence, the murdering and the blood shedding that would force her to brave ice and snow and to work, they would enjoy it even more.

"I had almost forgot what it feels to enjoy Christmas," she murmured against his chest.

"Maybe deep down you never stopped enjoying it, you just needed someone to remind you how good it can be."

She gently slapped his chest, with a chuckle. "Don't get cocky. But yes, there's something about you that makes people change their mind, you make people see things they don't."

He took a deep breath, his chest puffing with self satisfaction as he got a good dose of boosting of his ego. "Admit it Beckett, you've been in love with me for forever and I've been rubbing off on you ever since."

"Again, don't get cocky, Castle. Just enjoy the fact you're not alone moping around, as you feared. And by the way, Merry Christmas Rick."

"Merry Christmas Kate."

They fell asleep a while later, mesmerized by the snow falling steady just outside.

The next time Kate woke up, the room was bathed in the blinding white light of a slightly hazy sun reflected by the thick, fluffy white coat of snow that blanketed everything outside. It took her a while to recover a minimum of focus, oversleeping usually made her slightly confused when she woke up, but when she did, she realized the loft wasn't silent. From the living room came the soft music of Kate Bush's last album, his Christmas present for her last year, and above that, Castle's deep voice that sang along as he prepared breakfast.

Chuckling, she got out of bed, ready to face the day with Rick.

Fourteenth Christmas without her mother, first one she actually looked forward to, after the utterly crappy one she had spent last year, all alone with her doubts, fears and chinese takeout. What a difference a year can make.


	4. Valhall Awaits Me

_Unbetaed, rushed, no fact-checking, no thesaurus, no editing, nothing. Thanks to Fembot77 for the prompt, I wonder if I got the "supernatural" prompt because I already have two fantasy AUs ongoing at the moment or if it was just sheer luck that this was right up my alley._

 _While it doesn't exactly fit in the whole fics inspired by songs themed, I have to admit this song popped up in my head while I was writing this little prompt fill from the flash fic challange a while ago. Again, just like with Misery's Crown, we're talking about death metal here. Johan Hoegg is like the bearded gentle giant, but his band, Amon Amarth, play some of the toughest examples of metal out there. They're the nicest guys you can meet, I fondly remember that night Johan came to the press tent at Metal Camp and hanged out with us journalists for a while after their concerts, drinking mead and telling stories._

* * *

 **Valhall Awaits Me**

 _Sword in my hand,_

 _Axe on my side._

 _Valhall awaits me,_

 _Soon I will die_

 _Amon Amarth - Valhall Awaits Me (From the album Runes To My Memory, 2006)_

* * *

"This is weird."

"Bro, a moment ago we were in Queens, now we're like in…" Esposito looked around, arms spread wide to enhance his feeling of helplessness at the vast wilderness, the grassy meadows and the snowy peaks of unknown mountains. "Iceland or something!"

"I like to compare this region of my reign to the generic tundra, so no one would be excluded, but Iceland will do fine."

Both detectives turned towards the deep-pitched voice behind them and visibly paled.

Behind them, a tall man in a long leather coat, a black eye-patch stood in front of a richly decorated cast-iron gate, held by two high stone columns carved with various scenes of war, hunt and fights in general. The man had a neatly trimmed gray beard and long white hair neatly combed in a ponytail, he looked old but his one blue eye shimmering like a polished gem. Beneath the thick leather coat he wore a simple chainmail, which was very odd. In one hand he held a shiny, golden staff, while in the other a rolled piece of yellowed parchment.

"Ron Perlman?" asked Ryan, astonished by the resemblance of the strange man with the iconic actor.

The old man smiled, clearly amused by the Irishman's confusion. "I wish. No, I'm not Ron Perlman, I am Odin All-Father, and you're standing in front of the gates of Valhalla."

Ryan nearly lost his footing and fell on the cold, dusty ground, while Esposito let out a hysterical giggle. "Valhalla?" he asked. "Really? What kind of sick joke is this man?"

Odin, completely unfazed by their skepticism and shock, planted his staff in the ground and waved at them. Their street clothes disappeared, turned into shiny chainmail and plate armor. Their guns were gone, in their places short Viking sword straight out of videogames. On their left forearms round wooden bucklers appeared, tightly strapped and secured.

"You were caught in an explosion while working on a homicide in New York, on the morning of the 30th of November 2017. You both tried to protect a young witness from the blast of a large propane deposit ignited by random sparks. The witness is unharmed, you are currently being reanimated by EMTs on a sidewalk, but it's already too late." The man was describing the circumstances of their deaths like he was reading the menu of a diner, so casually he made it look like it was just normal to die that way. And end up at the Gates of Valhalla in front of Odin himself. "Now you're here."

"Why? We're both Christians, shouldn't we be in front of Saint Peter to be judged?" asked Ryan, suddenly reliving every lecture at Sunday School.

Odin shrugged. "That's for saints only. Your God, the Abrahamic God to be precise, and I… we have an agreement. Since his worshippers forcefully converted mine, and if they didn't abjure me they were slaughtered like sheep, he granted me the chance to gather the great warriors that passed away, no matter their creed. He gets pious people, I get worthy warriors, Lucifer gets sinners. Everyone's happy that way."

Espo and Ryan exchanged a confused look. "You mean… this is real?"

"Oh, more than real," was the laconic reply Odin gave them.

"Even Thor?"

"Thor, Loki… everything you saw in your beloved Marvel movies is… real, though movies make us look like gimmicks. This is the Underworld, though technically it's not under anything. It's just another dimension." He pointed at his right. "Down that path there's what you call Heaven, with the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter and whatever… nice fellow that one… while on the left there's the path that leads to Hell, but forget the Divine Comedy. Real Hell is way worse, and Lucifer does a damn good job punishing sinners."

"Oh…" murmured Ryan. "Where's Thor now?" he asked.

"In Malaysia, causing a typhoon. With all the crap you did on Midgard, he has a very hard time controlling rain and sometimes things get out of his hands. Also I think Jormungand is trying to cause Ragnarok again, he's probably keeping that pest beneath Midgard. But enough with the chit-chat, we don't have all day!" he bellowed, smiling bright. "You've been deemed and delivered worthy warriors, thus you were granted access to Valhall…"

"Odin!" came a disembodied voice, interrupting the All-Father.

He didn't look happy about it. His shoulders shrugged and his face twisted in a wrathful grin. "What, Heimdall!"

"We only have room for one of them."

"Oh for fuck's sake!" the god cursed like an enraged sailor. "Really? What the hell did Loki do this time? Caused a DDoS on Valhalla again?"

Ryan giggled at the anachronistic use of informatics language used by the Norse God. "Seems so," continued the voice. "We're trying to fix it, but it could take a while."

"How long?"

"Ten to twenty years, considering the current amount of dummy souls that have flooded the halls. Valkyries are trying to get rid of them, but they're not enough."

"Good grief…" sighed Odin. "Alright… thank you Heimdall, bringer of jolly news. Guys… seems like we only have room for one of you at the moment, the other will have to wait until a new vacancy. Choice is yours."

Dismayed, Ryan looked at Espo. "Your turn. You're way more worthy than me as a warrior. This is your place."

"What?" asked the Hispanic detective. "No way, this is your place. You deserve it way more than I do. This is your place Kev."

"You must be delirious. You're the one that was deployed, you're the sniper, you're the combat-worthy one. What did I do to grant a place in Valhalla?"

"Your work in Narcotics was remarkable…" commented Odin, reading through his parchment. "But don't compare your achievements in combat, that's not the only thing that makes a warrior worthy."

"What does then?"

Odin sighed. "Honor, kindness, mercy… of only the prowess in war counted to be granted a place in Valhalla, we'd be run over by suicide bombers, genocidal tyrants and," he shuddered. "We'd have most of the Crusaders here. And believe me, you wouldn't want to fight with them in a thousand years."

Esposito felt helpless. "What should we do then?"

"It's your call."

* * *

And their call it was. They spent endless minutes trying to convince one another that it was their place, that they had earned it and such, with Odin quickly becoming more and more annoyed as they argued, brining forth useless arguments that wouldn't convince even a five year old to take a candy for free.

If they didn't resolve this, it would turn out that even that one place would be taken by another fallen warrior or worse, another dummy soul sent by Loki just because he liked _jokes._

And those two idiots kept discussing, and their words led nowhere.

"Guys, hurry up. Clock's ticking!"

The looked up at him and shook their heads. "No, we can't chose. It's either both or none of us."

"You've got to be joking!" exclaimed the god, angered out of his mind. "You can't do that!"

"We can!" Kevin pointed out. "We can stay here, until there's more room."

"No, you can't. This place doesn't work like that. This dimension has rules, and the agreement I have with God clearly dictates that every warrior is accepted in the Valhalla, there's no way you can refuse. It doesn't work like that."

Esposito nudged Ryan's shoulders, they looked at each other and then nodded. "Then send us to Hell," they stated, in unison.

"No fuckin' way, I'm not wasting two great warriors when there's such lack of them nowadays. Peter!" he called, screaming. "Do you have room in your place?"

Another booming, disembodied voice came out of nowhere. "No, sorry Odin. And even Lucifer can't take them. They haven't sinned enough."

"Then there's only one thing to do."

The God planted his staff in the ground and a bright light ignited from the fissure in the earth, like a door. Then he walked towards them, grabbed the neck of their chainmails, one in each hand and pulled them up until they were dangling from his grasp. "Keep marching on like this, warriors. By the time your moment will come, the Gates Of Valhalla awaits you and will welcome you with all the honors."

Then he pushed them into the light. As soon as he had made sure that the two souls had reached the right bodies and that they were going to be alright, the All-Father closed the portal with a loud his of disdain.

The staff in his hand turned into a mighty sword, the leather coat and chainmail into shiny, engraved plate and on his face appeared his helmet. Sleipnir, his six-legged steed, appeared at his side with a loud stomp of freshly shoed hooves. "Loki, you took two brave souls from me… I'm coming for you, you're going to pay for this."

 _Bear skin on my back,_  
 _Wolf jaw on my head._  
 _Valhall awaits me_  
 _when I'm dead_

* * *

 _And since someone requested it here's the link to the playlist up to chapter 4, I'll update with each chapter I post. If you have trouble copying, you can actually copy and paste it by simply editing the fanfic URL and changing the part betwee the :/ and the first . from www to m so the link is :/ www . fanfic bla bla bla, of course you need to edit the url and not put in the spaces. Have fun and with chapter 2 and 4, again, mind those songs. It's death metal. It's not everyone's cup of tea. To someone is like having a drill push through their ears, to me is some kind of heavenly choir. Don't ask me why._

 _www . youtube playlist ? list = PLA2KGm-cd9nvd5n9ojq2PwuTGxdIXyBoS_


	5. Just Tonight

_As you're reading this, there's a change I might be at The Pretty Reckless concert here in town, the band that wrote the song this little AU story is inspired by. As some of you may know, The Pretty Reckless are the hard rock band fronted by Taylor Momsen, better known as one of the actresses that starred in Gossip Girl. While I admit I never watched the TV show, I fell in love with The Pretty Reckless the moment I heard them. I really hope you'll enjoy this little story as much as I enjoy their music. And why not, enjoy the song too. It's pretty mellow, though sad, and you don't be massive rock fans to like it, or at least I think. Here's the link to the whole playlist for the story, the song is called Just tonight._

 _www . youtube playlist ? list = PLA2KGm - cd9nvd5n9ojq2PwuTGxdIXyBoS_

 _It's a little AU encounter set in January 2009, also the rating goes slightly up, it's not a full blown M rating but it skirts the limits. Feel free not to read if you don't feel comfortable with a very mild depiction of two adults having sex while under the influence of alcohol, regrets and grief. It's nothing new, the trope has been developed countless of times, but hey, I like it. Here's my take._

* * *

 **Just Tonight**

 _Here I am  
And I can't seem to see straight  
But I'm too numb to feel right now  
And here I am  
Watching the clock that's ticking away my time  
I'm too numb to feel right now_

Great, it was snowing. What a great time to be stuck in court for a trial testimony that didn't seem to come. Kate had been cooped up in the corridor of the courthouse, waiting to be called in and answer the questions both lawyers would throw at her, and her patience was running thin. Other cases needed her attention, she had work to do and waiting wasn't exactly what she did best.

And they had called her to testify on the one day she didn't wish to see anyone, the one day she wanted to hide, the one she wished she could skip directly, sleep it away and forget it ever existed. They had forced her to come out of her comfortable walls of grief and sadness that after all kept safe, in their own way. Nevermind that they were terribly confining and that they didn't allow her to feel free to live her life as she wanted to.

By the time her turn arrived and she was done with her testimony, the sun had gone down and the snow had accumulated in the streets, with a thick, fluffy, white curtain that arrived way above her calf, close to her knee. Traffic was jammed and to add insult to injury, she had worn heels, the subway was unusable due to a power shortage, or so had said the usher, but even if the subway had been working properly, the ice hidden beneath the snow was dangerous enough to discourage someone wearing hiking boots to take more than a few steps outside. Wearking high stiletto heels wasn't the correct way to dare snow and ice.

 _Perfect, just perfect Kate. Looks like you're stranded here until traffic resolves and cabs circulate again!_

She let out a long sigh and checked her watch. Nearly seven PM. The courthouse had remained open afterhour to allow the trial to go forth and not have to recall witnesses, technicians and consultants for their testimonies, or so it seemed. Never in her life as a police officer first and detective later she had to stay in court for so long, she doubted they would remain open even longer just to keep her warm.

She looked around and noticed a bar, just on the other side of the street. That would do.

Determined to escape the cold bite of the wind blowing from the Atlantic ocean, with its tiny crystals of iced water that lashed against her face, she walked to the small bar, shivering when the snow melted around the cuffs of her dress pants and freezed her feet and ankles, and finally took refuge inside. The place was small, and almost empty. She was sure that, without the snow, it would be buzzing with chatting and clinking of glassware from all the lawyers and employees coming out of the courthouse and storming the place for a beer or a cocktail before going home. Instead, she could only spot five of six people, four of them huddled around a table chatting among themselves in the far corner of the place, the barman and one single man sitting at the bar. From the doorway, he looked hunched over, weighted down by an invisible force.

Feeling the same, out of sympathy she sat beside him and ordered her drink.

She heard a chuckle from the man at her left as the barman poured her straight vodka in a chilled shot glass. "You must be a brave woman, opening the night with a shot of vodka."

Kate shrugged her shoulders and downed the clear liquid, reveling in the burn she felt on her tongue and down her throat. "I've had a bad day." She threw a glance at the tumbler in front of him. "And what's that in your glass? Whisky? Bourbon? Seems to me we're on the same boat."

"Scotch. Eh, I had a bad day too." He took a sip and set the glass on the counter again, eyes fixed on the amber liquid sloshing around in its confinements. "You came out of the courthouse too?"

She nodded and ordered another shot. "Yeah, no cabs around, no subway, no shoes good enough to go home on foot… I'm stuck here until the jam dissipates and I can call a cab."

"Same here. Things were awfully slow today, what the hell happened?"

"Wish I knew. I had an appointment for three PM, they called me at five thirty. They had to keep the place opened for longer than usual to allow my trial to proceed and call all witnesses."

"Tough case?"

She shook her head. "No, open and close actually, only the accused is very rich and could afford a top lawyer that's muddling with the evidence we gathered and…"

"What? Gathered? Since when lawyers gather evidence?" he inquired.

"Wait, you think I'm an ADA?"

"Well, you look like one! You're dressed like a lawyer, you came out of a courthouse, I thought you were a lawyer!" he exclaimed, a hidden cheerful note in his deep voice.

She smiled, for the first time since she woke up. "I'm sorry sir, you got it all wrong. I'm a police detective, I was in court to testify for the District Attorney office for a case I investigated. Double homicide."

"That is so cool!" He finally turned on the stool to face her. "Was it gruesome?"

"Why the sudden interest? Looking for inspiration to murder someone and avoid being caught?"

"Oh? No! I'm a… No, it's just plain and simple weird attraction to stuff like these. I think I read too many thriller books in my life," he revealed.

"I wish my job was like in the books. Anyway, no. Nothing gruesome. John had Jim tamper with Jill's car because she cheated on him with Bill. Boring, if you ask me."

"Ah, yes. Definitely boring." He extended his hand. "I'm Rick by the way."

She shook it, and felt a sizzle of static energy course through her. "Kate. Now that we have cleared why I was in court, why were you?"

His bright blue eyes darkened. "Issues with my divorce. It happens, when your ex wife is also your employer."

Kate grimaced, her distaste genuine. "I see. Must be tough, divorcing your boss."

"Yeah, it is. I'm lucky I signed my contract before I married her, so they can't fire me. Too bad I don't think I'll want to see any time soon."

She downed the second shot of vodka as Rick emptied his own glass. "Can't you avoid seeing her around?"

"Oh yes I can." He hailed the barman for a refill, which promptly came even for her own glass. "I work from home, it's one of the perks of working in the publishing world. You see, I… edit things, so my job is to read, write, read again, write some more. Once I'm done, books are published, and people make money. The problem is that my now officially ex wife is a workaholic psychopath and demands that all her employees work at the same rate as she does."

"And let me guess, working with her around all the time, even in the sanctity of your own home had become unbearable," she prompted.

He gave her a nod, gobbling down another sip of Scotch whisky. She cringed, for a moment, at the sudden memory of her father using the same liquor to forget the pain of losing his wife to the hands of a random, never identified murderer.

"That and… well, more than that. The work part was actually the smaller problem of all. We had arrived at a point in our marriage where we were fighting about everything, sometimes over trivial things like what to have for dinner," he explained, bitterness darkening his voice like a thick coating of black paint. "Truth is," he said with a long exhale. "We got married for all the wrong reasons. We weren't supposed to get married at all, given the premises."

"You talk like your marriage was doomed from the beginning. Then why marry her at all?"

Rick shrugged his shoulders. "My first wife cheated on me, then she left and went to LA to pursue her career as an actress. She left me with our daughter to raise, never looking back. I thought she needed a woman in her life, someone that cared about her the way her own mother couldn't, and Wife Number Two seemed more than up to the task."

"And did that work?"

Another shrug. "Sort of. She wasn't bad, as a sort of mother figure, but she wasn't enthusiast about it. Not the way I would have loved. But enough of my marital disasters, tell me more of your day. I bet it's way better than mine."

"Not exactly," she said and downed the shot "You see, working as a homicide detective sometimes is more of an hassle than anything else. And court appearances are part of the hassle, most of all when the culprits have the money and resources to hire great lawyers that know all the tricks, the gimmicks and the stratagems to bend the system in their favor. Today was one of those days. The guys had killed his wife and her lover in a simulated car crash. He paid a mechanic to tamper with her car's brakes so they would be subject to far greater wearing than normal, and with a couple of months of use, they were dangerously close to being useless. The initial plan involved killing only the wife, the lover was collateral damage. We arrive at the scene, it was the car crash at Central Park, roughly six months ago."

"Oh, I remember! The car that ran the red light and crashed in the postal service truck?"

"The one and the same." She ordered a fourth shot, knowing perfectly well she should have stopped two glasses of strong spirit ago, but she couldn't help it. The liquor was blunting the sharp edges of pain and grief to the point they were almost bearable. "We arrive at the scene, notice right away that the car was brand new, less than one year old, and a brakes malfunction was unlikely, so we investigate from the very beginning treating it as a homicide, not as a normal car crash. Two technicians' investigation reports and some digging in the victims' private lives later, we had serious suspects about the husband, so we track down the mechanic that had performed some standard maintenance and interrogate him. He almost shat in his pants during the questioning, he didn't hold the pressure and confessed. From then on, the case against the husband had been rock solid, until this damn defence attorney comes in and cites recalls for issues with the braking system of the same model of car in the past. Do you know what it feels to be ridiculed for something you know you did perfectly, just because someone feels smarter than you?"

"Oh believe me," he chuckled. "In my line of work, that's the norm."

"And you know what's worse? This guy went above and beyond, trying to put us cops in a bad post. He found stuff in our records that went back five or six years, in my case he even tried to put me in a bad light because I worked as an undercover agent in Vice for a while and I did some assignments disguised as a hooker. What was I supposed to do? That was my damn job! Does doing my job the best way I can make me a bad person?"

He put a friendly hand on her shoulder and gently squeezed it. "It doesn't, Kate. The guy was clearly an asshole, stop worrying about him."

"Yeah well, until next time I have to face him in court or while interrogating a rich suspect. After all, blaming the cops or making them look lazyasses it's defence attorneys' favourite sport, we're cannon fodder for their defence strategies. Who cares about the cops? They're the one waking up in the middle of the night to run to a crime scene, who cares about them? Let's ruin their lives and reputations for the sake of getting a reduced sentence for their rich clients." She took a deep breath and held it, trying to calm down. "I'm sorry Rick, you've had a terrible day and I'm taking it out on you like you're my best friend or something. I shouldn't really…"

"Hey, we're in this together. And from a certain point of view, in this very situation I am your best friend, I'm the only one you know except for Mr. Stolichnaya there in front of you. And you know, I'm a good listener, so rant all you want, I can take it."

* * *

She had lost track of time. And she was drunk. Rick was drunk too, holding himself propped on the counter with his arm as they talked. She had no idea how they could understand each other, given the way their words were drawled and almost unintelligible.

Tovarish Stolichnaya for her and Sir Oban for him had been a killer combination, considering their bad mood, one glass came after the other and filters fell, one after the other.

As the barman poured the alcohol, the topics of their conversation became more personal, until Kate dropped the bomb.

"Why did you become a cop? Women like you usually become lawyers, some even magistrates. Why join the police force?" he asked at some point.

Too numb with both alcohol and grief, she didn't think about the consequences of her words and just let them flow.

"For I while I studied in Stanford, I was studying pre-law. I wanted to become the first woman to be chief of justice. Then exactly ten years ago, on this very day, my mother was murdered and they never caught the culprit, my father fell in the trap of alcoholism and… well, here I am. Seeking the justice I was denied for other people." She had no idea how she had managed to speak without faltering on each word. She didn't even care, at that point. She was too drunk to care, if she had to be honest with herself.

"Oh…" It was his sole reaction. He didn't look at her with pity, that sense of superiority of someone that had never lost a loved one often used after they learned of her mother, that always made her feel like they thought less of her. He didn't smile at her, didn't profuse himself in belated, useless condolences, nothing of the sorts. "While I can't say it's a nice reason to become a cop, I'm kind of glad you're doing it. You clearly love what you do, for a reason or another, and most of all you care about the people you encounter while working."

"How can you tell? We've met two hours ago, you don't know me enough to say something like this."

"I've always been a good judge of character, I rarely miss. You have something that most people in your line of work lack. You see…" He scrunched his eyes, as if to refocus them. "Earlier, when you told me of your testimony today, you were genuinely…" How the hell could he use a word like _genuinely_ while drunk? "...distressed for the way that attorney had tried to discredit you for your previous work in Vice. I've met cops in my life and I doubt any of them would have taken it so bad. Because they don't care. All they want to is to reach their quota and be done with it, at the end of the month. And you're here."

"I'm stuck with the snow, just like anyone else is."

"Oh no, you could have called one of your friends and have them pick you up and take you home in a police cruiser. You didn't. You waited it out, you respected the rules. How many of your colleagues would have done the same?"

Kate was searching for a way to reply, but didn't find any way to do so. There was a veiled insult to the whole category, probably a result of a bad encounter with a cop or two in his past, but he wasn't too far off the truth. Too many of her colleagues had probably detoured a patrol car or two, just to get home safe, sound and fast.

"Hey, it's closing time," said the barman as she was still searching for a good reply.

Fast, but a little clumsy, Rick took his leather wallet out of an internal pocket of his jacket and pulled out his credit card. "It's on me," he stated, way before Kate could even think of stopping him, so she could pay her part.

"Can you call us a cab?" she asked the barman.

The burly man shook his head. Already tried. Snow's too thick and there's ice everywhere. They're not going out tonight, too dangerous."

"Town cars too," said Castle. "It's the reason I was stuck here, the service I use called all the cars back to avoid accidents."

"Shit… how the fuck am I supposed to go home in these conditions?" she wondered, looking out of the window. The snow was still falling thick and white, an unexpected blizzard that had swept the rug beneath everyone's feet and left the whole city with their ass freezing on the ground. "Or you, for all it matters."

"There's a small hotel, not fifty yards down the road," explained the barman. "It's not the Four Season, but it's clean. It's often used by lawyers coming in from other states for trials and stuff. It's always open, you can crash there."

"Yeah well, and given our luck there's only a vacant room," murmured Rick.

The words she spoke next escaped her mouth on their own volition. Not that she didn't mean them, but had she been sober, she would have never said them.

"I don't mind."

Rick turned towards her with the weirdest face he could sport. He even made her laugh. "You sure?"

"We're adults. I don't see the problem."

There was a problem. They were drunk and in terrible mood. Those were the perfect mix for a disaster. Whatever happened from that moment on, they would probably regret it next morning, between the headache and the rush to get back to work at a decent hour to avoid a scolding for being late.

But despite knowing perfectly well that this was going to be a monumental fiasco, for one reason or the other, she didn't care. Yes, it was foolish, to make such proposition to a man she had met two hours ago, and do so while they were both intoxicated? She had seen it, what kind of consequences those actions could lead to, in her line of work. She had seen it way too often. But for once, just for a night, she didn't want to be a cop. Or maybe it was the alcohol talking, she had no idea, but she couldn't care less. Her soul felt numb, her heart was caged in a barless prison she couldn't open, no matter how frantically she looked for the key.

Was it the right thing to do? She doubted it.

Was it what she wanted? Hell yes it was.

Was it what Rick wanted?

She got to know it only ten minutes later, after they had checked in the small hotel the barman had suggested. It turned out to be the best decision she could have made in her life.

Clumsy as they could be, given a certain degree of awkwardness and the drunkenness, it felt like something magical. She had never been the best at relationship, and she even sucked at one night stands, but damn Rick was a godsend. He was careful, sweet and caring, and when the first moment of embarrassment died down, it was magical.

What would happen next? She had no idea, but for once in the past ten years, the Ninth of January didn't end with her fighting back the tears on the way back from the cemetery, it ended with the strange yet welcome feeling of being loved, something she didn't she was missing. No matter how fleeting their thirst could be, Kate felt loved. And a part of her heart swelled with it, and she hoped Rick did feel the same, even for just a moment.

Sure enough, he did seem to enjoy the night.

When she woke up, the next morning, she was greeted with the blinding white light reflecting on the thick layer of snow that had fallen. Her head pulsed like a jackhammer and her mouth felt like she had slept with a ball of wool in her mouth, parched and with a terrible aftertaste lingering on her tongue.

It didn't take her long to realize that she was alone. It wasn't excessively late, but Rick had left, but not without leaving her something. On the nightstand, she found a tall glass full of water and a single dose packet of aspirin, along with a note. It was written in an elegant calligraphy, so strange for a man.

 _Dear Kate, I'm sorry to leave you, but I wanted to see my daughter before she left for school. Streets are clean now, and cars can move. I've already arranged with the town car company to pick you up, you just need to call this number and tell them there's a car booked for Richard Castle._

Wait what? Richard Castle? The author?

Her _favourite_ author?

She had just got drunk and slept with Richard Castle, and she hadn't realized? How could she be so blind?

Gutted and mortified, she kept reading.

 _They'll take you wherever you want to, even wait for you as you shower and change clothes, then take you to work. And don't worry about the hotel, it's already settled._

First the bar tab, then the hotel and the car. "Shit…" she muttered to herself.

 _I have to thank you for yesterday. And not just for the sex, though that was a more than welcome addiction, but for the company. You are a brilliant woman Kate, talking to you has been the most refreshing thing, I truly enjoyed it and I really wish we could repeat the experience, maybe without Tovarish Stolichnaya and Sir Oban, as you called them yesterday._

Had she spoken in Russian had some point? She couldn't really remember.

 _You helped me after I was beaten down, in more ways you can think. I hope I helped you go through such a horrendous day you had. I'm taking the liberty of leaving my number here, in case you don't feel too awkward about what has happened between us. Being someone's notch on the bedpost has never felt better. You were right, I had no idea._

When had she said that? Like, really? Where did that boldness come from? Her memories were all confused, piled up in scenes jumbled together and she couldn't make sense of them. The headache didn't help at all.

 _Anyway, I'll be home writing for most of today. Feel free to call whenever you want, if you feel like it. I'll be waiting, but in case you don't want to hear from me again, I won't look for you. If it was meant to be a one night stand, something to take the edge of something, I won't hold a grudge. But there was something, I felt it, and I hope you felt that too. You're a mystery, Kate, and I doubt I'll be ever able to solve you. But if you call me, I'll do my best to unravel you. Or just have a friendly conversation, whatever you prefer. If you want to go further, I'm here, if you want to keep tonight… just tonight, I'll accept your decision. It's your call._

 _Until next time,_

 _Rick._

The urge to call him immediately surged through her body to the point she reached for her phone the moment she had read the last sentence. But she was running late, she had to go home, shower and go to work, right away.

Later, she'd text him, see if he was free that night.

No way that night would remain a one night stand. There was something more. And maybe that something was the key she was looking for.

 _Just tonight I will stay  
And we'll throw it all away  
When the light hits your eyes  
It's telling me I'm right  
And if I, I am through  
Then it's all because of you  
Just tonight_


	6. Love Is Noise

_Sorry for the dismaying lack of updates in the last month, I've got sick with the worst pharyngitis of my life, I'm still shaking it off, coughing my lungs out every five minutes or so._

* * *

 **Love Is Noise**

 _I was blind - couldn't see  
What was here in me  
I was blind - insecure  
Felt like the road was way too long, yeah _

_The Verve - Love Is Noise (From The Album Forth, 2008)_

Had her future been shown to her at any point of her teen age, she would have never believed her eyes. Never in her youth she would have guessed that certain events in her life would have led her to choose anything different from a career that would follow her parents' footsteps. She had everything figured out, from the university of choice and which path of career she would pursue.

Instead, there she was instead, with a solid career as cop culminated when she finally made Captain of her own precinct, a solid marriage with the love of her life - not to mention her favourite author - that had gone through some tough times here and there, not to mention her extended family that would support and come to her aid the moment she'd ask.

Too bad she wasn't one to ask.

Anyway, there was something in particular she wouldn't have believed even in the case of a Kate Beckett coming from the future had shown her pictures or videos. Never, not even in her wildest fantasies, she would have thought she would have children. Not that she was averse to having children, she just never thought she'd find the right person to raise them with, let alone conceive one.

Or three…

Instead, there she was, on a Spring Saturday morning, juggling a very active ten months old as she changed his diaper while keeping a close eye on the other boy of the same age and her eldest daughter playing on the mat together.

"Gosh Jake, what did you father give you for dinner last night? Your diaper's a nuclear bomb!"

All the answer she got was a slobbery, one-toothed grin and a clumsy clap of his hands as she secured the fresh diaper around her son's butt. "Flatterer," she commented. "Just like your father."

Jake let out a drooly giggle and she finished dressing him for the day, or part of it, given the way both he and his twin Reece had the tendency to get downright filthy by the time they were put down for their afternoon nap, then she swiftly put him down the mat that covered the nursery with a pat on his diapered butt. "Go on then, free to go."

She watched him swiftly crawl towards his twin and elder sister, stumbling at times with his still uncoordinated movements, until he reached the pair. She smiled, when Lily carved her fingers through Jake's floppy hair to move it from his face, and cherished the loud laugh he let out in response.

No, no way she would have imagined all of that. Barely ten years before she was struggling with her mother's murder and her own shooting, she had gotten accustomed to the idea that she'd never be happy, nevermind have a family, and now she was there, witnessing every change her children went through, one day after the other.

With a satisfied sigh, she took a quick peek at her watch. Still pretty early in the morning, Castle wouldn't return from his meeting with Black Pawn for three hours more at least, and the kids seemed happy as three clams, time for some breakfast.

"Lily," she called. The little girl raised her head and smiled up at her. It was like looking into a mirror. "I'm going to make some coffee, I'll be back in five minutes. Scream if you need anything or those two mangle their fingers, alright?"

"Yes Mom."

As she locked the safety gate before heading downstairs to the kitchen, she couldn't help but giggle when she heard either Jake or Reece let out a boastful laughter, the kind they gave them when someone blew raspberries on their tummies or backs. The sound was soon followed by a pitiful attempt to repeat the gesture, but they were still too young and whoever tried, all that came out was a splutter mixed with giggles and unintelligible sounds, while instead Lily kept making them laugh.

So much noise and yet she wouldn't trade it for anything else. There had been times in her life when she had craved absolute silence, a getaway from the craziness of her life, of her job, of New York or simply the deafening sounds of her thoughts that kept her awake at night. Had someone invented the _off button_ for her brain, she would have been the first in line to buy it, but now… she found out she seeked silence less and less each year that passed, as if she was almost almost unable to stand it.

When Castle had dropped in her life, his _noise_ was making her go nuts. He would often be the source of those thoughts she couldn't keep at bay at night, thoughts she couldn't drown not even with the bone deep weariness of long days at the precinct catching criminals. His presence was a constant anti-aircraft alarm blaring in her brain, even when he was away from her, like those summers they spent separated because they were too stubborn to act like adults and talk.

That, that was the kind of silence she feared most. But those days were long past behind them, sealed behind three bullet wounds, three children and a Pulitzer Prize.

Still, the noise Castle had brought in her life had turned from the most heinous to the most harmonious one. Alright, sometimes it was the sound of a child screaming in the middle of the night for whatever reason, and yet it was something she would never trade for anything. Not even a flourishing career in politics, like many at 1PP seemed inclined to suggest her as the natural continuation of her ascension through the ranks.

Would a politician though be able to enjoy a quiet Saturday morning with her children? Not many, she guessed.

Finally, with the coffee brewed and poured in her favourite mug, she went back upstairs, but before that, she made a quick detour to the office and grabbed a book. Not that she was going to read much of it, not with three children all under five in the same room, but nothing said she couldn't try and hope they could keep themselves entertained until Castle came home and the long, strenuous task of feeding them all started.

She had no idea how he did it all by himself without getting food anywhere but their stomachs. He was a champ at that, while she was more inclined to making a mess herself.

She sat on the rocking chair and placed the mug on the small table beside it, then set the open book on her knees, but no matter how the latest Patterson novel seemed alluring, watching Jake and Reece grasping every available hold and pull themselves up on their wobbly, chubby legs in their first attempts to walk was far more entertaining than any gruesome murder the novelist might have conjured for the occasion.

They babbled away in their nonsensical language one could only try to interpret through a lot of trial and error, and they were cute as hell. And then there was Lily, quiet as a mouse, sprawled on the playing mat with her crayons in front of her as she drew on what looked like the back of a page from a draft of Rick's latest novel. Ever since she had been old enough to hold onto a pencil or a pen, no rejected draft had been thrown in the recycle bin, but every page was directed to a pile where Lily could fish every sheet she wanted and draw on it as she pleased.

The trio looked settled, entertained and concentrated on the task at hand, so she dared to finally take a long sip of her coffee and delve in the book, eyes trained on the lines on the pages and ears concentrated on the room around her, ready to pick up any sound of distress coming from the children.

Did she manage to read more than ten pages through the morning? Of course not.

The noise around her was too distracting. The cacophony of crayons scratching on the thick paper, the nonsensical giggles and babbles of the twins, not to mention their constant falling and rising again was distracting. And yes, more entertaining.

Who would have thought that such a noisy bunch could become the source of her happiness? Castle was messy to begin with, often clumsy and his love for everything that had a motor or was battery operated made the loft a very noisy place to begin with, and now even with Alexis and Martha gone most of the time, it was probably the single noisiest apartment in town. Even at night, when everything should be calm and quiet, there was always someone making some noise.

And that noise was now part of her life.

Hell, that noise was bringing her joy while just a few years back she had shunned even the bare idea of all of this because of her stubborn foolishness. She couldn't see the road ahead of her, only the chasm beside it. And even when she started seeing the road ahead, or glimpses of it, she always thought it would take too long to get there, that she would give up halfway there or worse, that she didn't deserve it.

Foolish? Yeah, definitely, buy sometimes insecurities are so deeply rooted in someone's mind and heart that they just take over and you can't see past them. You can't see past your failures, and it becomes a vicious cycle of rejection that leaves you lonely, scared and sad.

And now her life was filled with joy and love, and lots, lots of noise.

Her train of thoughts was abruptly interrupted when Reece's chubby fingers wrapped around the fabric of her yoga pants and pulled on it in order to keep himself upright. Then he bumped her leg with his head, bounced off with a start and watched the spot he had hit with indignant eyes, until he decided it was more fun to bite at it with his sharp two bottom teeth.

Chuckling, she set the book aside and picked him up in her lap. The boy squealed and squirmed until she settled him on her thigh and kissed his head. His fine brown hair still smelled of baby shampoo and his skin was so smooth and soft she could spend hours just stroking the back of his hand. In fact she often found herself doing so, with either Reece or Jake or Lily, when they wanted to cuddle. And being children of their father, well, the loved cuddles as much as they loved junk food or getting into trouble.

"You're gonna give me some scares, in the future, aren't you?" she whispered in his ear. "One day or another you're going to get into trouble and I'll have to pull all the strings I can to get you out, uh? Just don't get kidnapped by some weird CIA agents like your dad, okay?"

He let out a gurgling sound and smacked his open hand on her chin, grasping her lower lip. He squealed again with a wide grin when she nibbled his fingers.

Gosh, she loved the sound he made, he and Jake too of course. They were so alike, and at the same time so different from one another… telling them apart had never been too difficult, they weren't identical twins in the end, but it was enough to fool people that didn't witness their antics every day. Both Martha and her father still managed to confuse them, even if they were never dressed the same.

But Reece quickly had enough of cuddles and squirmed to be let go. She let him crawl down her legs while she kept a strong grip on the back of his pants and sweatshirt. The daring move seemed entertaining enough, but it also gave him enough momentum to speed up his crawl towards the desired toy - a bottle of soda with a rock inside it, sealed with a bit of duct tape - and the moment he reached it, he was the happiest baby in the world.

Ah, more noise. Such a blessing.

It was a miracle that she heard the door opening above all that ruckus. Between Reece's improvised rattle and Jake's passion for musical toys, Castle's entrance in the loft could be barely detected even with her trained ears. She didn't bother to go downstairs though, she knew he would come up first thing after having shed his jacket and shoes, and right on cue, he appeared in the doorway about a minute a later. "So? How was your morning?" he asked with a wide smile on his face.

"Messy, stinky and noisy," she replied standing up from the chair. "How about yours?"

"Messy, noisy and seasoned with crappy coffee. But I got what I wanted from Black Pawn, and they got what they wanted from me. It was a win win for everyone."

"How many books this time?"

"Three for now, but with no time limit to write them. The Pulitzer really impressed them enough not to press me into anything. Don't worry, Nikki will live her adventures for a while longer."

Kate smiled, though a little somber. Sometimes it was bittersweet to read about her kick ass alter-ego, knowing that the last few books were his way to cope with what had happened with LokSat, before he decided to sit down and write a very detailed account of their misadventures with the rogue CIA operator. And with some effort and help from both his father and his wife, he had managed to write his best book to date, the one that sold more and that started his career anew as the writer of more serious books.

"Good, just don't mess her and Rook more than needed. They have a kid now, you can't leave a child without a parent, not on my watch."

"Oh I know, I wouldn't dare," he replied, picking up Jake as he tried to climb up his leg. "They'll be fine, I promised myself that, a long time ago. Now, did you manage to do something productive?"

"Well, I changed them, dressed them all, made coffee and managed to read ten pages of the last Patterson's. That's it. They were far more entertaining than anything I usually see at work."

"Considering the reviews it got, other people thought the same. Come on, let's get downstairs and set up lunch for the tykes."

It was later, when they were desperately trying to feed three rebellious children that absolutely loved to be the noisiest trio in the world, that she realized that love is, in fact, noise.

 _'Cause love is noise, love is pain  
Love is these blues that you're feeling again  
Love is noise, love is pain  
Love is these blues that I'm singing  
Again, again, again, again, again, again, again_

* * *

 _Ah, been a fan of The Verve ever since I was… eight, I think. I cried when they split up, and when I first heard this song on TV I was… I don't know, crying of joy? Yes, probably. It kinda shaped the way I feel and live the whole concept of love, which I think it's really noise. But it's the most harmonious noise you'll ever have the chance to listen to. It's the noise of cheers, of discussions, of long comfortable silences, it's the noise of a raucous attempt at setting up a tent under the hottest Slovenian sun, it's the noise of your friend's youngest child that wants to be picked up to play with your hair. Yes, sometimes it's overwhelming, but at the same time, it's something I would never give up, not for all the money in the world._

 _And of course, updated playlist so you can quickly reach the song._

 _www . youtube playlist ? list = PLA2KGm-cd9nvd5n9ojq2PwuTGxdIXyBoS_


	7. More Than This

_This one is dedicated to all the no kill shelters, all the volunteers that take care of animals in shelters and pounds and all the veterinarians that devote time, effort and money into pulling sick animals from death row, get them back in shape and allow them to live a full, healthy, happy life with families that love them. And of course to all those people that donate some money, food or a little bit of time to help them. And yes, it's again a song by Peter Gabriel. Can't help it, he's my favourite musician of all time._

 _Oh, hey, I almost forgot: I should go back at both Sins Of The Father and Shadows with intermissions with The High King And The Bandit and this one fairly soon_

* * *

 **More Than This**

 _Oh then it's alright  
when with every day another bit falls away  
oh but it's still alright, alright, alright  
and like words together we can make some sense _

_Peter Gabriel - More Than This (From the album UP, 2002)_

There were rare times when Captain Kate Beckett panicked. She had seen so much that she had thought she had lost the ability to actually feel panic, but sometimes in certain circumstances she still felt the terrifying sensation creeping up her neck and strangling her.

One of those circumstances was an unexpected call from one of her children. Most of all when they themselves sounded panicked.

Her personal phone buzzed on the desk surface and she instantly reached for it, but didn't check before picking up the call. "Beckett," she answered, absentmindedly.

"Mom," Jake's voice came through like a gasp, and her protective instinct kicked in immediately. "I need your help."

Fearing the worst, she put down the pen, took off her reading glasses and grabbed the gun from the drawer. "Where are you?"

"Mom!" he nearly yelled. "Don't panic! I'm not in danger I just… I need money, OK? I might have drained my pocket money reserve and…" She heard him sigh heavily on the line. "Just bring the credit card."

"Jacob Beckett Castle did you end up in a gambling ring? At seventeen?" she demanded.

"What? No! For frick's sake Mom! I'm not Dad! I can't even play poker… No, it's… it's for a good cause. Just… Mom, come here, you'll see. I'll text you the address."

"Alright, but if you messed up Jake, I'm holding you responsible for everything. You're old enough to know what's right or wrong, we taught you better than that."

Jake sighed and she heard the distinctive noise of someone scratching a rough surface, maybe his chin or cheek. "Mom, last time I got in trouble I was six. It was more than ten years ago. Give me the benefit of the doubt, okay? Just… get here. I'll text the address. See you soon."

With that, he hung up on her and left her wondering, as the elevator went down. She wasn't used to the weight of the gun at her side anymore, not after years of fighting bureaucrats more than criminals, but it gave her some sort of security, facing the unknown. She knew perfectly well that Jake wasn't a troublemaker, none of her children were, with Lily being the poster child of A+ grades while Reece had quite soon established a successful career in baseball, even earning more than a scholarship through his result in the sport. And then there was Jake, the youngest of the trio, the sweet child always daydreaming of following his father's steps but so insecure her heart broke every time he looked up at him and his successes and declared defeat even before starting. No matter how much she told Jake to never stop trying, no matter how much his father told him to never stop trying and that he'd get better with practice, he just shrugged his shoulders and waved his hands as if to tell them it wasn't worth it.

What the hell had he done to call her and ask for her credit card? He said it was for a good cause, but which one? The address led her to Brooklyn and much to her bafflement, it was the address of a veterinary clinic.

 _Kyle better be alright Kid, or I'm gonna shoot you…_ she thought.

Kyle was their dog, a four year old Australian Shepherd they loved and adored, a goofball that thought he was a lap dog and loved to be petted. They had recently lost their older dog Robin, a German Shepherd they had adopted soon after the twins were born that had lived way beyond their expectation, and Kyle had taken it bad.

But why taking him to a vet in Brooklyn while their trusted one was close to home in Manhattan didn't make any sense!

She walked in with a frown and approached the front desk. A girl in deep blue scrubs was sitting behind a desk that looked like a reception. The moment Beckett set foot inside the clinic, the girl raised her head from a tablet and smiled. "Good afternoon, how can I help you ma'am? You have a patient here?"

"Actually, my son's here. He asked me to come and bring a credit card with me," she replied with a stiff smile.

"Oh, you must be Jake's mom!" she smiled very brightly, stood up and shook her hand. "He's a dream come true, I've never seen a more dedicated volunteer."

"Wait, my son volunteers here? Since when?"

"Uhm, he came down about three months ago. Said you lost your dog and he was a bit down, so he offered to come here and help out with our patients. He's a lifesaver."

Three months. When they had lost Robin. Kate sighed. "What's with the credit card thing?"

The girl nodded. "I think it's better if I show you. You'll understand immediately."

She took her inside the clinic to a room in the back and opened the white door. Inside, there was Jake surrounded by a litter of squealing puppies and their mother, who looked on the brink of death as she rested in a cot, covered with a thick blanket. From beneath it, she saw an IV line connected to a bag of thick, opaque fluid, and one of the leg appeared to be wrapped in a bright pink cast. The puppies looked healthy though.

"She was abandoned to the local dog shelter and was about to be euthanized. Given her issues and the fact that she was pregnant she wasn't adoptable and they sent her to death row. She was hours away from being put down and Jake saved her. He even used a fake ID to legally adopt her and brought her here in his arms from the pound," explained the girl.

"When?"

"Three weeks ago. He paid for the treatment in advance, cash. She was severely malnourished, had an extensive but curable form of mange that covered nearly all her body, and you can see she's nearly hairless, not to mention pregnant and mangled. We treated her the best we could before she delivered the puppies and he's been working round the clock to help us feed them when she couldn't. Only the money ran out and… if someone doesn't pay she'll end back to the pound, and she will put down immediately."

Kate gasped at the thought, but mostly because she saw the look of pure bliss on her ravaged face when his son crawled in the cramped space towards her and scratched the back of her head. "Is she responding to the treatments?"

The girl noddded. "Yes, fairly well. She's out of the woods but very weak, we're keeping her warm and comfy, but with the puppies her body is going through the double stress of healing and feeding them. It will take some time, but we're pretty sure she'll heal perfectly."

With a sigh, she picked the credit card from her wallet. "Get what you need. And then some. It's been a while since I saw my son so happy, thank you for that."

The vet smiled again. "Our pleasure."

She disappeared down the corridor and only then Kate dared to enter the small room. Jake was a massive boy, even bigger than his father, and he had to curl on himself to play with the two pups on the floor while keeping also company to their healing mom. It so reminded her of Castle after they had been shot, when they learned that she was in the early stages of pregnancy and that against all odds, the trauma hadn't caused a miscarriage. He was discharged way sooner than her, and her room at the hospital was tiny so he had to resort to sleep on a very uncomfortable chair. With the impaired shoulder, he lost more sleep during that month and a half than how much he lost when the twins were born.

"You could have told me, you know?"

Jake startled and yelped, and the puppies in his lap did the same. "Mom! Don't scare me like that!" He put the puppies down and stood to face her.

"Still, you could have told me. There's nothing bad in doing some volunteering, and I think what you did was fantastic."

He ran a hand through his floppy hair. He was covered in animal hair from head to toe. "You think?"

She nodded and stood on her toes to kiss his cheek. "I do. And by the way, where did you get the fake ID?"

"Uhm…" he shrugged his shoulders and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "It's something Dad got me when we went to see Halestorm, you know… it was an age restricted venue but we didn't know when we bought the tickets so…"

Beckett sighed. "It was easier to get you a fake ID than selling the tickets. I see. Now come on, tell me about this girl and the puppies."

His face lit up with the brightest smile he had ever seen on his face. He crouched and picked up each pup in his hands. "Meet Geralt and Triss! He's a bit of a brooding type but he likes to play as much as her, but she's a feisty one. Mom is Yen, short for Yennefer."

Beckett laughed and shook her head. "You're certainly your father's son. Only you could pick names from a book that was released more than thirty years before you were born!"

"Well, those were great books. It only took the success of the videogame to make publishers translate it in English and voilà, we've got a little Witcher themed litter of pups."

"Speaking of pups, what are you going to do with them?"

He let the puppies down and they started running around his legs, squealing in delight with their pink tongues hanging outside their open mouths. "Here's the thing. Alexis has already agreed to take in the puppies, she said Georgia and Matthew are old enough to have a dog and be responsible for them. Yen though… I think I'm taking her home with me."

"Have you thought about Kyle? He's still mourning, don't you think it would a bit of a trauma to insert another dog so soon?"

He shook his head. "Mom, have you seen Kyle in the past three months? He's lonely. You're gone for work most of the day, Reece and I have school, Lily has college and Dad… well, Dad does the best he can but Kyle is a goofball, he wants to play all the time. As long as Robin was with him, and he was healthy, they played together but now? He needs someone to play with, and I'm pretty sure Yen can fill the void quite well. She's about one year old, but don't look at her like the malnourished, mangy pitt left at the dog pound by a heartless bastard that abandoned her, think of her as a survivor. She's tough, I bet she can handle some rough housing from that idiot of a furball. There's more than this in her, I can feel it."

"Gosh Jake, you sound like your father." She hugged him tight. "Same big heart, same ability to see the best in people… or animals in this case. You're sure about this then?"

He gave her a minute nod. "More than sure. She's going to be great."

"If you say so... you said Alexis will take the pups? You involved her in this madness?"

"Oh yes, and she even helped me pay the first part of the treatment but…" he sighed. "I couldn't ask her to give me more money, I felt ashamed and… you have no idea how much it cost me to call you to ask for money."

Kate snorted. "Your father's heart with my pride. You're a hopeless case Jake, you know that?"

"Yeah well, I think I learned that time I wouldn't let you buy me the new Playstation and I went hungry for six months to gather the money for it by myself."

"And you say that Kyle is an idiot of a goofball? Says who?" She shook her head and kissed his cheek again. "Come on, let me cuddle these little tykes for a moment, but then I'll have to go back to work. And you should be studying."

"I can do it here. I have everything I need and soon enough they'll fall asleep. They're a nice paperweight when they're tired," he explained with nonchalance, despite the fact what he was saying made literally no sense.

"As long as you don't waste your time, suit yourself. I'll see you tonight at home?"

"Sure thing."

Much to her disbelief, Yen quickly recovered and turned from the depressed, mangy, hairless pile of bones and flesh into a tornado of energy and love. The girl was a spectacular specimen of a blue american pitbull terrier with a sweet and playful disposition, which was mirrored by her spawn. Jake had been right and Alexis often reported how calm Geralt was in comparison to his sister Triss, who had a much more fiery character, but they were both loving and sweet with anyone they met.

Jake took great care of teaching them the correct way of behaving, even engaging in some gruesome - and costly - obedience training with all of them, in order to avoid any possible incident in the future, or at least limit the chances of accidents and sudden bouts of violence from the three dogs.

Castle was happy to welcome the new addiction to their furry family and the dog immediately fell in love with him, and she was reciprocated. It was common to see them cuddled on the couch in the study, her head resting on his thigh as he wrote or edited his next novel.

And Kyle, well, Kyle was the the goofball he had always been. The moment they brought Yen inside the loft, they smelled each other wiggling their tails and then he disappeared somewhere in the house only to rush back with his favourite squeaky toy in his mouth, which he lay in front of Yen as a welcoming offer. After that, they were best friends forever.

Some time later, Jake spent a tough moment of his life, fretting because he had to decide about college. And he didn't know what to do.

One night, Kate came home from a very late meeting that had dragged well into the evening and found him on the couch in the living room, surrounded by pamphlets of universities and colleges, flipping through them with despair in his eyes.

"Hey, what are you doing?" she asked taking off her shoes and walking close to the couch.

He let out a sigh of defeat. "I don't know what to do, Mom…"

She took a quick look at the pamphlets and noticed they were all about study courses that involved following his father's footsteps, something he felt like he wasn't good enough to do.

"Jake, sweetheart, why do you torture yourself like this?" she asked him. "You've been moping around writing like Dad for years, and for years you've been convinced you're not good enough, no matter how your father tells you to just try, that there's no shame in trying and failing. And Jake, what you write isn't bad, there's something good in it!"

"Like you read anything I've ever written…"

"Who do you think _CastleLover1212_ is?"

He paled, as if he had seen a ghost. "Mom, you've read my fanfictions?"

"Hell yes I did! Being a Captain is boring as fuck sometimes! I had to entertain myself. And I owe you a dollar."

"I don't care about the dollar, I'm more embarrassed about the fact that you read my fanfics."

"They were good. And entertaining. But more seriously, will you accept a piece of advice from your old mother?"

He shrugged. "At this point I'm open to dumb ideas."

"Have you thought about Veterinary School? What you did with Yen and her puppies, and what you do every time you go at the clinic… it looks like some kind of calling to me. Don't you think?"

He frowned as he looked up at her. "But I thought that… what about Dad?"

"Thought what? That just because you're the spawn of a famous novelist and a cop you'd be required to follow our steps? It's not like we signed a contract when you were born, and if you feel like caring for animals is your call, why not follow it?" she explained. "I know you have pamphlets for the Vet School in Ithaca too, I saw them in the paper recycle bin. Why did you throw them out?"

Closing his eyes, he sighed. "I don't know. You know, it's not easy to be your son, or Reece's twin or Lily youngest brother. Or Alexis'. They all excel at something. Alexis is one of the most sought ADA in New York, Lily has already published a novel _before_ she finished college. Reece is probably going to Major League sometime down the future. What about me? I have no great accomplishments in my book, except from some mildly successful fanfictions on my own father's books. I feel like an outcast."

In that moment, Yennefer came trotting down the stairs and swiftly jumped on his legs before quietly settling in his lap.

"She was too, when you found her, remember?" prodded Kate as she scratched the dog behind the ears, earning a satisfied wail in return. "Also, you have an outstanding GPA, you excel in science, and believe me that doesn't run in the family. You are creative in your own way, like your sister, resilient like your brother and you have a knack for sports, just not baseball."

"Yeah, I only happen to love the wrong sport with an oval ball," he whined.

"Then we'll send you to Scotland or Ireland so you can play rugby there. Come on Jake, don't be the _me_ of the situation and try to see best for once. You love animals, right?" He nodded. "You've thought about vet school, haven't you?" He nodded again. "Have you applied?"

"Yes. As I applied to Stanford, Columbia, Yale, Harvard and you name it, I applied. I sent the same application forms as Reece, I just added the vet school to my list."

"Then let's see. You still have some time to decide, before the letters come. And when they do, you'll decide. On your own though, don't pick college just because you think your father would be displeased if you followed anything that isn't connected to writing. And if he has anything to say, he'll have to deal with me."

"Don't shoot him though!"

"We've had enough lead in our bodies to last for three lifetimes," she joked bitterly. "Come on, let's get hot chocolate. The meeting was depressing as hell and I need something sweet to cheer me up, and you need some too. With extra marshmallow."

 _Much more than this_  
 _way beyond imagination_  
 _much more than this_  
 _beyond the stars_  
 _with my head so full_  
 _so full of fractured pictures_  
 _and I'm all there_  
 _right next to you_

* * *

 _And here's the playlist, updated with this song (it's a live version, but I as much as I like the original from the album Up, I think it's best enjoyed live, with the Italian audience cheering downstage._

 _www . youtube playlist ? list = PLA2KGm-cd9nvd5n9ojq2PwuTGxdIXyBoS_


	8. Change My Needs

_Meredith haters should steer away from this one. With that said, this little thing is a little atypical, it's not focused on Caskett or the kids, it's more about dealing with the change in your life, how you can accept it or you can fight it, but in the end it's inevitable. I'm not the person I was ten years ago. In ten years I won't be the person I am today. Same happens for characters in TV shows, most of all those we don't see often. So, here's my take on what happened to her since the last time we saw her in Season 5._

* * *

 _I never meant to say you were a thorn in either side,  
It was a side effect from the scars on the fourty-fives.  
And as the vital mistakes, it reminds me of what we have,  
Despite the things you do, you know I'm a fool for you_

 _Scars On 45 - Change My Needs (from the eponymous album released in 2012)_

Oh no. That wasn't good.

When her mother called, it was never a good thing.

And her name and contact photo were flashing on the screen of her phone. She gingerly picked it up and slid a finger on it to answer. "Hi Mom," she answered, a bit uncertain.

"Hey Alexis!" Her mother's voice, though cheerful, lacked that chirpy high pitched tone that usually made her flinch each time she spoke to her on the phone. She sounded almost like a normal human being. "Do you have a minute? I don't want to disturb you while you work."

And there came another novelty. Alexis was used at Meredith not caring about disturbing anyone in any situation. What was going on?

"No don't worry, I can talk. I was actually going to get some coffee," she said standing up and heading to the break room. It wasn't a lie, she was just waiting to finish filing some reports for the PI office, but at that point any moment was good for taking a break.

"Oh good. Listen, next week I'll be in town, I'm filming a movie in New York and it's been a while since I saw you, would you like to go out for dinner?"

A forewarning. From her mother. Alexis pinched the bridge of her nose while she waited for the double shot espresso do be brewed. It was going to snow in August. "Yeah, sure. Got some free time while you're here?"

"I have Thursday night off, how does that sound?"

Her shoulders sagged. "Oh Mom, I'm sorry, that's the only night I can't go out next week. I promised Dad and Kate I would babysit Lily while they're out. You know, press stuff for Dad's new book. Or Police stuff for Kate… I don't remember"

"Oh sure, I understand. I heard he just won a Pulitzer, he must be walking on the moon."

Alexis chuckled. "Make it Saturn. Have you read it?"

"I'm halfway through it," said Meredith. "I have to say, it's not exactly my kind of reading, but I can see why he got the prize. Listen… would you mind if I came over? We can do something quiet, order take out and such. I…" she faltered, and that got Alexis worried. Her mother wasn't one to be at a loss of words. "I really missed you lately and I'd love to see you soon."

"It's alright Mom, I'd love to see you too. As for takeout, I'm all in, as long as you don't mind Lily."

"Oh come on, she's adorable, I don't mind her at all."

"Mom, are you sure everything's alright?" she asked then, worried about how out of character her mother sounded.

"Absolutely Alexis, everything's just peachy, I just don't want to lose a chance to see my daughter. Listen, I have to go, I have a flight to catch. Call me to tell me when to come over, or if anything changes. See you next week."

Alexis closed the call and smiled, but there was something wrong, she could feel it. And while with the years her relationship with her mother had become tighter, despite the distance, so she really looked forward to see her, something nagged her. This wasn't just a customary visit because she was in town. She had some further motives to come, other than the filming.

And to be honest, she kind of dreaded it.

* * *

The decisive night came and while Alexis had hoped her father and Kate would already be gone to the event they were to attend, when Meredith arrived they were still at home. Not that they couldn't be civil with each other, actually Kate and her mom got along quite well, still she wasn't sure how they would react, seeing her at the door unannounced.

She felt a lump in her throat when the doorbell rang and her father reached the door to open it before her. "Meredith!" he exclaimed, seeing her. "Hey what are you doing here?"

"Hi Rick. I'm in town filming a movie and it's my night off so I came to visit my daughter," she replied. "And yes, she does know I'm here, I called her last week to set the date."

Alexis saw her father startle. "Well come in then. I guess she told you she was going to babysit Lily tonight," he told her as he moved to let her in.

"Oh sure, we're not going to throw a party, just a quiet night with some takeout." She leaned closer to him and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "You look good! How's Kate?"

"You look great too. And Kate's alright, she's getting ready to leave. We've got one of those fundraising nights for the police… stuff like that. I have to say that a quiet night and some takeout looks a lot better than what we're going to do. I know it's not your style but…"

Her mom shrugged her shoulders and took off her parka. "Oh, don't worry about that. Lately I found out that staying home at night can be quite fun, sometimes more than going out doing absolutely nothing. Don't worry about us."

From her position, perched on top of the stairs with Lily in her arms, Alexis drew a relieved sigh and gave a quick kiss to her cheek. "You like Auntie Meredith don't you?"

Her little sister, barely one year old, looked up at her, happily chewing on her fingers. Not that she was expecting a more articulated answer, but that was more than enough. "Then let's go downstairs and have some fun. Hey Mom!" she said, finally walking down. "It's good to see you."

Smiling brightly, Meredith gave her a tight hug and a kiss on her cheek. "Same here Pumpkin. And you, Little Butterfly?" she cooed at Lily. "How's the most beautiful baby girl in the world?" Lily giggled and smiled at her. "Look what I got you from Los Angeles!" She pulled a plushie out of her bag, a reproduction of Stitch from the Disney movie, just bigger than the girl's head. She quickly grabbed it with one clumsy hand and examined it, before throwing a ear into her mouth to chew on it.

"Oh boy, someone's hungry here!" announced her father. "Can you take care of her, Alexis? Kate and I are already running late and…"

She waved him off. "Go and finish preparing. I can prepare her food. Mom, there are take out menus pinned on the fridge. Pick yours, I'm up to anything."

"Sure thing. Do you need me to take her?"

"Oh, yes, thank you. She's a bit clingy these days, preparing food while holding her it's kind of a feat." She handed the girl to her Mom and moved towards the kitchen, and Meredith soon followed. "How's the movie going?"

"Not bad. It's a big production, kind of a summer blockbuster. The new agent I got is making me work a lot, you know, gets me good jobs and stuff."

"Interesting role?"

"Yeah, kind of the bad gal of the story, we're working here in New York for a month then we move back to soundstages in LA. It's the first night off I get in a week and… yes, it's tough but I like it. I think it will be a great movie."

"Why the secrecy then?" asked Rick, who had been apparently eavesdropping.

"Non-disclosure agreement in the contract. It's kind of a super secret movie and they don't want spoilers going around. That's it. Ouch, oh Lily please, don't pull my ear that much. The makeup girl has to put props on them tomorrow morning!"

"Uh, props around the ears! Must be a pretty elaborate makeup!" exclaimed Kate as she came out of the office. "Hey Mer, you look great!"

"Thanks Kate, same to you. Heck, that dress is gorgeous! Herve Leger?"

"The one and only. Rick, I'm ready to go. You?"

"Ready when you are. Shall we go?"

With her father and Kate out, Alexis and her mother were left on their own with Lily. The little girl was pretty easy to deal with, when someone was paying attention to her she was happy as a clam. Also, takeout delivery arrived right after they were done with feeding Lily, and they ate quietly as the baby sat content, with her belly full, in her high chair.

Alexis was halfway through her Kung Pao chicken when finally her mother decided to spill the beans.

"You know, Alexis… aside from the movie I'm filming I came here for another reason."

"I gathered that."

Meredith gave her a short-lived smile. "I know. You've been walking on eggshells all night. Anyway… truth is… I met a guy."

That was new. Her mother never spoke of her men, not with her. As flamboyant as she had always been, she had always kept her private life… well, private, a little bit like her father, with the only difference that living on the other side of the country made it a little easier for her. Casual dates, serious relationships… Meredith never spoke about any of her men.

"Oh. When?"

"A couple of years ago, actually. Around the time you father and Kate got married. I was working on a TV show for Netflix, he was one of the sound guys and we were on lunch break. I was checking my phone and that spectacular picture they took in front of the beach just appeared on my Twitter feed. I must have exclaimed something like _well my ex husband has finally found the love of his life_ , he heard me and… we started chatting, turns out he's a fan of your Dad's books. One thing led to another and…"

She took a very long pause and Alexis was left hanging for too long for her tastes. "And? And what?" she spurned her on.

"And I really would like you to meet him. He's working on the movie too, he'd really love to meet you."

"Is this… is this serious?" she asked. "I mean, not the fact he wants to meet me but you two. You've never asked me to meet any of your men, I guess this must be pretty serious if you're asking me if _I_ want to meet him."

"Well… he kinda proposed last week so…"

"No wait a second, you're getting married?"

Meredith shook her head and swallowed a chunk of stir fried carrot. "Kind of?" she said. "I… I don't know, Rob spoke about the fact we both are a certain age and his kids seems to like me a lot and that after two years we should get married."

"And there's kids involved?" Alexis was baffled.

Her mother grimaced. "You don't want to meet him, do you?"

"No!" she replied with more force than she had meant to, so much that Lily jumped in her high chair and whimpered. "Oh don't worry Lily, no one's upset, everything's fine, keep chewing on Stitch. Mom, I do want to meet you, I'm just… allow me to be a little upset, this is all new, even if Dad went through this twice!"

"But I didn't and… I'm kind of scared! How did Gina and Kate deal with… everything? I mean, you're way older than Rob's children, but…"

"How old are they?"

"Chris is eight and Anne is five. Rob's wife died of cancer four years ago and… and basically I've been their mother for the past two years. This is one of the reasons I wanted to talk to you, but tell me, how did they…" She wiped some drool off Lily's chin and the little girl giggled estatically. "How did they behave around you?"

"Well, Gina has always been really kind, but kept her distance because Dad never let her really get close to me, I have no idea why. She was more of a friend than a stepmother, and I have to say, she still is a friend. Kate… Kate did pretty much the same, except that Dad this time didn't keep her far away from me as he did with Gina. We're… friends. Yes, she's a really good friend, and she never tried to be a stepmother."

Meredith sighed. "Gosh, that was what I hoped but Rob's children… they started calling me Mom a while ago and I've never stopped them and… do you mind?"

Alexis shrugged. "Why should I?"

"Because I've been a crappy mother to you and suddenly I'm playing mother to two kids that are not even my own!"

She groaned. "Oh come on Mom! You've never been a crappy mother, you've never beaten me, yelled at me… you just weren't there. But I've always known you loved me, in your very peculiar way. I guess you weren't cut out to be a mother when I was born, just that. And if it turns out you're ready now… what can I say, other that I'm a little envious, I guess?"

Meredith let down the chopstick and beside the half empty carton of stir fry she was trying to eat. "Gosh this is all so messed up… I never thought I'd end up like this. I always thought I would reach a point in my life where I would simply be a character actress, moving from small part to small part and then… my career is skyrocketing, I'm moving from role to role and the next is always bigger than the previous one. And I have a relationship with a man ten years younger than me with to kids that call me Mom! And he wants to marry me!"

She couldn't help but chuckle. "Mom, you know you sound as ridiculous as Dad when he was trying to tell me he and Kate had finally hooked up the night of my graduation? I don't see what's wrong with that! Also, Dad is in married to a woman ten years younger than him, and they have a kid."

"He did make a scene, that time, didn't he?"

"Oh yes, try to explain to your barely eighteen years old daughter that you hid your girlfriend in the closet because said daughter just came home nursing the worst hangover of the century, unannounced, with your mother!"

"Oh God, sounds worse than telling your very religious mother you're pregnant out of wedlock, you don't have a job and the father doesn't have one!"

Alexis thought about it for a second. "No, it can't be worse than that. Man, your mother was a handful!"

"Well I guess she's now bothering Saint Peter. She wasn't a nice person anyway."

"I have few memories of her and they're not nice. Remember that time she complained about Dad being lazy because he sat at his desk all day writing? You basically ate her face, you were furious!"

"Yeah well… she wasn't a fan of his. You know, sometimes I look back and I can't really understand why I… cheating on your father has been the worst mistake I've ever made, but I was stupid and selfish and…"

"Mom, stop. I get it, you're conflicted. I guess you love this Rob and these children but you also feel you're letting me down." Meredith arched an eyebrow, puzzled. "I took a very basic psych course when I was in college. Also after Dad and Kate were shot I had to do some therapy myself. Anyway, on a merrier note, anyway, I would love to meet Rob, and his children. Believe me, I'm past the age of resentment for my parents' divorce, and I know you've always loved me, in your own way. Seeing you and Dad happy makes me happy, and I don't care if you have to be separated to be happy. If you love this sound technician who also happens to be a fan of Dad's books, fine by me! I only wish the best for you, no matter how many miles there are between us."

Her mother smiled and gave a quick squish to Lily's chubby hand. "Thanks, Alexis."

"On one condition though."

She saw the dread in Meredith's eyes. "What?"

"I want to meet them all in one go. No steps, just point blank. I want to me Rob, Chris and Anne. And then I want them to meet Dad, Kate and Lily. What do you say?"

"Let's see if they agree though. I don't want to impose on your father and Kate."

"Hey, I'm the person that links all of you, one way or another. I'm the one stuck in the middle. If I have to approve them, then they need to approve the rest of the family. Alright?"

"You've got yourself a deal!"

* * *

 _I never once understood your dealings,  
A group of friends who I'd give what for.  
And I could name every crack on our ceiling,  
A sight of thorns.  
Am I a frame in your bigger picture?  
A rope or rein for your stormy seas?  
If I could be just a train fare richer  
I'd change my needs_


End file.
